On (narcissistic) mothers and daughters
Plus what made my week
We all have navels, the funny body parts that remind us that we all have mothers, an undeniable fact of human existence. But we don’t all have the emotional mother-daughter connection that immediately envelopes us in feelings of security and comfort. My whole life my own mother made me feel small, guilty, scared and not heard - all of which actually makes up a host of very standard symptoms for a daughter of a narcissistic mother. And so in the past few years, I finally had the guts to do the recommended “no-contact”, or as close to it as I could get, and never looked back.
The thing with narcissism is that it is a term that’s often used lightly. It is a casual tag for someone a bit uppity or someone who likes to indulge in some navel-gazing and perhaps doesn’t ask you anything back about yourself. In any case, it seems a fleeting condition that we attribute to people, something that comes and goes and then the next day that person is your best friend/good colleague again. That’s not the case with narcissistic mothers.
In most cultures motherhood is seen as sacred. “But she’s your mother,” is an argument that is meant to trump any hard feelings. The other one - “I’m sure she loves you really” - only makes me sadder. The thing is the experience of a daughter of a narcissistic mother is not a teenage grudge or a case of two women in the kitchen disputing the correct course of action for a family recipe. It is about lifelong hurt. In some cases, it is a total lack of boundaries where the daughter is treated as simply an extension of the mother’s ego. The daughter is a passive limb without any worthy feelings or emotions of her own. This frustrating lack of emotional connection and complete inability to ever even feel connected comes hand in hand with a constant feeling of guilt as every interaction is manipulated. Not to mention the daily drama around small things blown out of proportion, the gaslighting, the constant criticism, the inability to empathise.
“Why won’t you hear your mother out?” is a complaint I was so used to growing up after hours of one-way monologues from Mum, where I wasn’t allowed to intercept for even a fraction of a second. Why? Because she is unattainably wiser, better, smarter, she’s on a roll and wants to get her idea across. My contribution is not valuable, my job is to listen and to not interrupt for fear of offending her with my lack of attention and respect (after actual hours of listening, mind you). My attempts to sit down and talk about us have always been shut down and ridiculed. So it is for this reason that the “but she’s your mother” argument simply doesn’t cut it. Is this turning into a pity party?
Sometimes I feel like I’m making all of this up and perhaps I am delusional. Can this really be the case? Can it not be fixed? Why don’t I try harder? It is a weird feeling. Our innate reaction to a mother’s voice and the very idea of a mother is to be mellow, to lean in for a hug and to feel held. But for me it is a toxic cocktail of feelings with an overpowering taste of threat, loneliness, grief and danger. It is a bundle of feelings that is truly oxymoronic.
So, is motherhood, perhaps, a thankless task? Do we all end up having something to complain about? I don’t think that has to be the case. The message I’m trying to get across is that a good mother-daughter relationship is not a given. And I’m not an ungrateful daughter. Based on my experience, I certainly feel like there needs to be more awareness around the fact that sometimes a heart-to-heart with someone who is meant to be the closest person in the world to you is simply not an option. And it is no-one’s fault. Just like depression or ADHD, narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical condition with its own DSM classification.
It is probably fair to say that most of my readers here happen to be women, so you are all daughters with your own unique mother-daughter relationships. I’d like to invite you to value what you have, to not take it for granted and if you’ve experienced something similar to me to learn to be your own mother and heal. It’s possible!
I would like to leave you with this from Jaiya John’s Daughter Drink This Water: A Book of Sacred Love:
“Being a good mother is a vague notion. A trap of propaganda rarely examined. Being a safe mother is a more concrete reality. We can assess safety by examining whether children feel safe with their mother. And whether a mother feels safe with herself. Safe from all forms of harm. Safe from verbal and emotional violence and coping dysfunction. Safe to communicate openly and truthfully. If you wish to be a safe mother, look to mothers whose children feel safe with them.”
What made my week
Dr Chatterjee’s Happy Mind, Happy Life
Admittedly, I haven’t yet read it because it literally just came out. However, I’ve been looking forward to it for months and have full faith in Dr Chatterjee’s informed and gentle guidance to feeling more content with our lives. If you haven’t already, tune in to his Feel Better, Live More podcast, my trusted companion for long walks and commutes. I have most of his other books and this is bound to be a godsend!
Adina Grigore’s DIY skincare
Messy but brings about gorgeous results! I can be a bit of a beauty junkie and could really do with a break from products, even if I do opt for some of the most natural and gorgeous independent businesses out there.
Adina’s approach is spelled out in her book Skin Cleanse which (amongst other things) gives our skin the credit it deserves and invites readers to give everything up for a week before introducing some homemade pantry products. Many of the ingredients like cocoa powder, olive oil, salt and cinnamon would already be sitting on your kitchen shelves. Others, like raw shea butter or carrot seed oil, can be obtained from places like Makers Ingredients in bulk at a very reasonable (if not budget!) price that is impressive given the quality. Find some of her pantry recipes for free here. Who could have thought rinsing your hair with beer could be so indulgent!
Spiky Balls
I’ve had a spell of bad headaches lately, probably induced by bad posture. After leaving my office job last year, I’ve ended up with a pile of these spiky massage balls that nobody wanted. It was part of our wellness physio training and they’d usually get given out and abandoned after a week. As someone who hates letting things go to waste, I’ve kept most of them and I’m so glad I did. If you hold tension in your neck and nothing seems to help your headache, try and lie the lower back of your head on a spiky massage ball like this one and roll your head on it from side to side. I’m no expert but there must be some kind of trigger point that releases tension and helps me every time. You can also use in any other way you want.
Till next week x