Should you, shouldn't you?

I've been looking back at all the words I've been sharing on here over the past year and kind of surprised myself with this post. I had completely forgotten I'd written it and it really resonated with how I've felt the past week. So, here's one from the archive because why not?

…

“I should be more proactive.”

“I should be more patient.”

"I should be more adventurous, creative, positive, environmentally conscious…”

You name it.

So often my mind has been plagued with these self-imposed declarations from some bizarre manifesto stained with years' worth of anxieties, hopes and delusions. But why should I? Why should I do or be anything?

I suppose the root of the matter is a potential mismatch between how I truly feel and how I want to be seen to feel. How I see myself, how others see me, how I want others to see me. Ahhhh. It is all about trying to piece it together into one coherent whole, one human being with consistent tangible qualities.

There was a time when I genuinely enjoyed not having plans. I wouldn't have much to report from my weekends. I genuinely didn't feel like I had to fill my days with experiences and impressions because as a situational extrovert I genuinely enjoy my own company and being alone. But there was also a part of me that would periodically panic at the lack of "events" in my life (again courtesy of situational extraversion). There have been times, set ups and life seasons when I’ve completely clammed up and wanted nothing else but to go within myself, to not let an ounce of my inner world sip through my pores into the world beyond. A festival of introversion and social hibernation. And then there would be times when I'd tap into goldmines of my ideal social set-ups, a community of like-minded people and I'd drink it all up and thrive and get loud.

And so perhaps oscillating between these two states has created an almost incompatible bucket list of ‘shoulds’ in my head. Making these different versions of me happy is like feeding the two-faced Janus, the god of transition and dualities.

I suppose the reality is that despite our general predisposition, we are fluid dynamic beings that have the ability to grow, mould and flow. And that means there is no place for ‘shoulds’ or any other harsh imperatives.

So what should we do about them? Trump them with another more potent ‘should’? Through witnessing my own flowing states and multiple past versions of myself - through teenage angst, anxious career-thirsty and soul-searching twenties and homecoming thirties - I'm consciously working to replace my ugly ‘shoulds’ with more self-compassionate ‘coulds’ and other kind of self-loving talk.

I could go to do X today and be more proactive but… is this where my energy truly flows today? Will this leave me nourished or depleted?

What do you do about yours?