Who doesn't love a pity party?
Read on for tips on handling your emotions and more...
Whenever my feelings get hurt, Figgy always turns up.
She can’t see beyond her own nose. She loves praise, attention, recognition and accolades of all sorts. She amplifies any small mishap into a dramatic failure of global scale. “You are nobody without a career.” “There will always be someone who does it better than you! Unless you are me, might as well give up trying forever.”
What am I doing seeking comfort in her company, you’d think?
Well, the trouble is Figgy and I are inseparable. A snob that eats with her pinkies out and her judgy side eye on anyone that doesn’t pass her standards. When Figgy was a baby, I bet she looked like this.
Over the years, she has been a loyal companion in all my pity parties.
Figgy is the name I’ve given to my ego and she’s a right b***h.
RSVP: No
So what should we do when a pity party invite pops up? It is so important to be able to see past your own problems.
Did someone not listen to you when you most needed it? Were you rejected from a job opportunity you so wanted? Are you trying so hard but nothing is going your way?
In an egoic state, so many of these questions would be answered from a self-centred point of view. We simply tend to not take into account the myriad of factors that effect the outcomes of our own actions.
Did someone not listen to you when you most needed it? - I am not worth listening to, nobody cares about me anymore. I really expected some validation/sympathy/support. Where is it when I needed it? I am all alone in this world.
Were you rejected from a job opportunity you so wanted? - I suck at everything I’ve ever done. I have no talents or skills. They had nothing good to say about me and were clearly lolling about my amateur interview skills and ramblings.
Are you trying so hard but nothing is going your way? - I am just not capable of accomplishing anything. I have no willpower. What is the point? I am a born sheep with nothing to give.
Notice how negative this self talk is and tell me you haven’t been there? It sounds silly spelled out like that but those are literally some of the most real self pitying thoughts that I’ve experienced in the past. A classic pity party! Sometimes inevitable but definitely can be avoided.
So next time a pity party invitation slides into your conscious awareness, think of it as an invitation to an event you certainly don’t want to attend. Remember, Figgy and her mates will be there! Don’t even entertain the idea. RSVP: No.
But seriously…
The best tools I’ve found in escaping a pity party mostly revolve around being present: journaling (the handwritten kind) to spill it all out, dance/move to shake off all the feels of the situation, talk to a friend (who isn’t Figgy!) to gain some much needed perspective and….do something you know you’re good at!
If the inspiration behind your pity party is someone you can have an honest conversation with, I highly recommend open communication about your feelings. Rather than pointing fingers at that someone just try communicating vulnerably about how you felt about what happened. More often than not, it will transpire that your interpretation of someone else’s behaviour is completely unfounded and misinformed by your own ego stories.
The job opp that didn’t go your way? A blessing in disguise that saved you from years of doing the work you would have hated. Oh and that person that didn’t care to listen? Who knows what was on their mind! Unless they are a diagnosed narcissist incapable of empathy (I know some!), the chances are they were probably dealing with some issues of their own or you simply picked a bad time.
A dictionary of feelings
I have recently started using a “dictionary” of feelings. It sounds obvious but so many of us are out of touch with how we feel. Often our internal emotional response is so overwhelming that we simply don’t know what to do about it and end up letting it ferment to some really sour states.
We are so used to saying that we’re “fine” or “alright”, when we really aren’t. Labeling our response to a situation with something concrete like “I feel disappointed in not having achieved this goal” or “I feel irritated by all the multi-tasking I’m expected to do” really helps deconstruct an avalanche of emotions. The “dictionary” I use is a pretty basic one pager with all the different categories of feelings, from happiness and joy to anger and melancholy. Each category is broken down to a more specific palette of feelings. Nothing fancy!
I also found some snazzy publications on Amazon that you might want to explore.
The Book of Human Emotions (Wellcome Collection)
I promised last time that I would talk about my favourite sustainable clean beauty brand but this felt more important this week. I’m only human!
Rest assured though, I have a lot to say about clean beauty and its often misleading jargon. The exciting clean beauty post is all drafted and ready to land in your inboxes next week.
*I may or may not have written this while attending a pity party!
P.S. I’m OK!
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