Why try to fit in when you want to belong

As someone who comes from a multicultural background and raises a child who is even more multicultural than me, a topic that keeps drawing me in again and again is, perhaps unsurprisingly….belonging!

Belonging is something that has at times plagued me and at other times fascinated me. Long story short, belonging is something I’ve always craved. It is also something I’ve often felt that I lack. I’ll be honest, I’ve spent much of my life trying to fit in rather than belong. The difference is crucial. When you try to fit in, you are a chameleon trying on different social masks, imitating other people’s accents (happens a lot to non-native speakers like me!), mirroring others because you are desperate to feel a part of something bigger, a community, a village, a safety network who have your back. But all of this lacks authenticity, because despite the best intentions, you fail. You are not who you say you are. Not really. You are an imitator.

When you belong, you lean in. You don’t second-guess your moves. You don’t worry about being asked where your accent is from. You trust yourself to project your vulnerabilities, hopes, love and empathy onto the world around you and the world hugs you back.

When you become a parent the idea of belonging – consciously or subconsciously – comes to the foreground of your thinking because you are a nest builder, a confidence provider and a mothership for your offspring(s). You are bound to make a home wherever you are. You just have to.

Belonging is something that I’ve recently started to alchemise into much more of a positive framework than I have ever done before. And it brought me to a simple but eye-opening realisation that it is all in your head! It is not about whether you are accepted or not accepted by your environment. It is not about how long or how briefly you’ve lived somewhere. It is not about where you were born, who your parents are or who your passport says you are.

It is all about the mental “framing”. Things might stay very much the same as years go by but your perspective changes. I am still a half Russian, half Ukrainian who grew up in the UK but my perception of it has changed. I was brought up in London with my parents cultivating a mindset that I am some sort of a greenhouse sample on a temporary loan to foreign lands, about to be imminently transported back. Don’t spread your roots too deep, don’t get too comfortable, have your bags packed at the ready. At some point we literally had a suitcase stuffed with things covered by a cute rug for a footrest because life always felt on the move but that on-the-move status went on to span more than twenty years.

Needless to say, I got weary of sticking with the confines of my greenhouse pot and did spread my roots wide after all. I got married, I started a family and found my home here in the UK. I still get asked the same questions more than twenty years on. Where are you really from? So what’s that accent? When are you going back? But now that I’ve leaned in, I also feel very comfortable and at home in my ecosystem. Where and how I see myself in the world is up to me. If only I knew sooner.

© Eentje van Margo - Root Children